Many but not all intimacy anorexics have a genuine fear of intimacy. Intimacy is when you can be fully seen, flawed and all, and still be loved and accepted. For many anorexics, whether in their family of origin, an abusive incident, neglect or an early romantic or sexual relationship, they did not experience safety or love with intimacy.
For some anorexics, it was actually negatively reinforced. In other words, they would bring their heart out to connect and it would be neglected, unheard, unseen or even worse. It would be given more pain when they came out so they legitimately would have fear to try this again.
The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to my fear of intimacy.
When I think of you, I think of Danny from the movie Grease. The opening scene in the film shows a wonderfully intimate summer on the beach with his newfound Aussie friend. He never expects to see her again once school resumes, but suddenly finds himself face to face with her on campus. His initial reaction of surprise and glee is short-lived once he realizes that the rest of the T-Birds are right behind him. It's not cool to be best friends with a chick. It's cool to get in her pants, but not to get in her heart.
Sound familiar? Absolutely. I've never been cool like John Travolta or had matching leather jackets with anyone, but I know how Danny felt. If pressure to become sexually active at a young age was prevalent in the '70's, I'm sure it's more so now. High school was already a few years ago for me, and with hormones at their natural peak it seemed like sex was everywhere.
Am I trying to suggest that pop culture was responsible for my lack of purity with my girlfriend? Absolutely not. However, doing what was "cool" felt good, so why not be cool? When it came to fear of intimacy, I did what I had to do to get those chemical highs and tried hard not to get caught. I really had nothing to gain socially by distancing myself.
So why were you necessary? Probably because I met my wife in church, not on the beach. I knew she had a desire to please God, and this was not compatible with sex addiction. Dr. Doug Weiss actually illustrates marriage relationships very well. He makes a triangle with a man and a woman on either side at the bottom, and God at the top. I was more interested in "getting horizontal" with my girlfriend than I was in going vertical. The idea of both of us growing closer to God and, as a result, each other sounded good while we were dating, but it was impossible from inside the fog of sexual addiction.
One thing about you that pisses me off is your tendency to linger longer than the fog I just mentioned. Not only do I have to learn how to be intimate seven years into a relationship, I have to fight the distrust that developed from things that occured within the fog. You made me so afraid to be honest about those actions that it took spiritual intervention to get me to open my mouth. How does my wife know I'm not waiting for the next intervention?
I guess that's where intimacy comes in. In a healthy, intimate relationship, each spouse will be so transparent that the other will be able to see it immediately if something is up. Fear is unheard of in such a relationship. It's been replaced by perfect love,
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