Letter to Control

Control is huge for most intimacy anorexics.  Control has many forms in the life of the intimacy anorexic.  They control the illusion that they are amazing and wonderful to the outside world and also find ways to control their spouse.

They control how much love, praise, sex, emotional sharing, or even how much time, they will give to their spouse.  They control with the pain of silence, the pain of rage or the pain of witholding touch or sex.

Control is almost an everyday friend of the anorexic.  Control protects and pushes away; it's both a sword and a shield for many intimacy anorexics.  This is a relationship an anorexic definitely needs to break if they are to heal and give and receive love in a real relationship.

The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to control.


I guess I will have to begin by clarifying just who this letter is to.  It is pointless to address "control" as if I had a relationship with it.  Rather, I must address "the illusion of control," as that is all I am familiar with.

So where did this desire to feel like I was in control originate?  As with other aspects of my intimacy anorexia, it began at home, where my parents would do everything within their power to get me to "behave."  This meant getting a spanking if I was caught misbehaving and also missing out on social connections later on in life out of fear that I might be negatively influenced by my peers.  I know the intentions were good, but being controlled without knowing why I couldn't make my own decisions did not sit well with me.  When I reached adolescence, it was not easy to retrain myself and submit.  However, I wanted to be able to use the family car, so I would leave youth group minutes before curfew and speed home, usually arriving a couple minutes past my 10:30 curfew.  This did not sit well with Mom and Dad, who would sit at the kitchen table and look in disgust at the clock.  To my credit, I never completely disregarded my curfew in response, but the attitude I got when I came home convinced me that my parents wanted nothing more than to see me follow their illogical rules.

Naturally, I saw no reason to wait until I was 18 to start dating, which was one of the "rules."  The object of my affections was nearly 18 already, and she was ripe for the picking!  I had a bit of money and her complete attention, so nothing my parents could say was about to keep me from her.  I was in control now.

As it turns out, guys in their late teens actually do need rules, which I failed to establish with my girlfriend.  For years I had indulged in soft-core pornography, and feeling the touch of an actual young woman gave me too much satisfaction to cut myself off when no one was telling me to.  I knew it when I had gone too far, but it seemed like everything was under control and we were rarely ever caught.  Throw in pornography and masturbation, and I was convinced that sex was a marionette under my control, for my pleasure.

It wasn't until after we got married that I realized how much sex was controlling me.  Three times I confessed my sexual sin to my wife, and each time my transgressions were more damaging.  Talk about being out of control!  It was in that dark valley that I realized I had to let you go.  All my years of making it look like I had everything in order in life had gotten me nowhere.  It was time to let go and let God.

Unfortuately, control was already a big thing for me.  I would attempt to control things and people around me all the time, including my wife.  She would get shut out whenever I disagreed with her words, actions, or even lack of actions.  This would upset her, and I would get upset that she was upset.  So much for gaining control!  It was very difficult learning to live with me, and my wife eventually started to pretend that she just didn't care whenever there was anything that upset her for fear of making things worse.

As of this post, I still feel I do not always take everything in stride or communicate very well with my spouse, but I do feel things are improving.  My wife and I actually talk about things that come up and can usually break impasses peacefully.  One thing that's going to be really interesting for me is raising my own children!  Maintaining control is not something I can even pretend is going to happen.  Like I said, I'll have to just let go and let God.