Selfishness Letter

All human beings are selfish at times.  This is a part of all of us, in that we are a flawed but loved humanity.  This selfishness is part of the overall anorexic entity to protect their heart and justify many behaviors that pull away from or push the spouse away.

Intimacy anorexia is the over volunteering, over commitment to extended family and friends, to exercise, to do sports, to be entitled at the deepest levels to do whatever you want, to say whatever you want to say because you're angry and selfish.  This includes intentionally creating pain for your spouse for "a really good reason," and taking care of yourself or keeping some commitment over and above that of your spouse.

Selfishness needs to be said goodbye to so the sex addict can become sober.  Although the anorexic, like all humans, will always have a streak of this, it's important to take this brick out of the wall of anorexia, so that the choice of unselfishness and giving your heart to your spouse can be made.

The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to selfishness.


It's funny I should be asked to write a letter to you at this point in my recovery, as I just said goodbye to your more innocent twin, independence.  You are the personification of the underlying evil in behaviours that sometimes appear to be healthy.  For example, we all need to show a little independence in earning a living, correct?  Biblically correct, even.  It's when you enter the picture that people get trampled on by corporate pigs that feel they're entitled to an enormous piece of the pie.  I went pretty easy on independence, but I hope you see just how little use I have for you.

Let me start by giving a more personal example of your destructive nature at work.  In my case, it wasn't making money that you perverted (although sometimes I wish that were so).  No, you took a much more beautiful thing, the gift of sex.  I guess I've always felt like I deserved an enormous piece of that pie, despite a general lack of attention from the female species.  I started off by exploring this realm with other kids and thumbing through the pictures of women in lingerie that I found in the Sears catalogues.  Pretty well all I knew about sex was that it was forbidden, and it involved my genitals somehow.  I was intrigued by the fact that those naked women could stimulate me sexually even though I didn't know what to do if I had a naked woman in front of me in the flesh.

Then came the fateful day that my best friend convinced me to add my own stimulation to the whole pornographic experience.  I had long condemned the practice, as it simply looked impure to me.  However, my desire to taste the forbidden fruit got the best of me.  The result?  Absolute euphoria.  Masturbation was an instant staple in my weekly routine.  Suddenly the Sears catalogues could not come in the door fast enough.  I would seek out any kind of image that was remotely sexual and go to town.  I even put my artistic skills to work and created my own images.

Naturally, my selfishness persisted when I entered a romantic relationship with a girl from my church.  I was still pretty naive sexually, but I knew what felt good.  By the time I popped the question, we were doing dry runs for our wedding night.  Unfortunately, exposure to actual sex did little to distract me from fantasy sex.  I had all but stopped masturbating by the time we married, but you introduced me to pornography first, and it was the last to go.

Interestingly enough, my recovery workbook asks for a thank you letter to be written to you.  To me, that would be like writing a thank you letter to Hitler.  Under your influence, he "inspired" an entire nation to host one of the worst extremes of racial genocide in human history.  More personally, you convinced me that I deserved more than what I had in my wife.  Fortunately, I stopped short of murder, but you don't have to look far to see men who have become that brainwashed.

As my workbook states, selfishness is inherent in every human being.  However, "it's important to take this brick out of the wall of anorexia."  In my case, I hope to take that brick out and smash it to bits.  That means no more side jobs that keep me from having to interact with my wife.  No more using meetings as an escape from being at home.  No more intentionally hurting my wife with my selfishness.

'Asta la vista, baby!