Independence Letter

In human development we learn of the three major stages of development:

Stage 1 - Dependent:  Child needs parents to meet needs

Stage 2 - Independent:  Young adult meets their own needs without parents or others' help

Stage 3 - Interdependent:  Although I don't need you, I choose to be in a giving and receiving relationship

In America we definitely over emphasize the independent stage such as, the Marlboro man or the independent woman, who takes care of herself and doesn't need anyone.  The intimacy anorexic overvalues the second stage of development.  There is little awareness that he or she hasn't matured toward the last level.  This includes trusting, giving and receiving, interdependently, as a mature adult.  Addiction to witholding has stopped the further development of the anorexic.

It's time to end this relationship with independence and the "I don't get hurt" belief.  It's time to embrace "I am interdependent and yes, I get hurt and loved at times."  The following is my thank you and good bye letter to independence.

In my last letter, I did not have a clear picture in my head of the recipient.  This time around, however, all I have to do is pull up a digital image on my computer to see you represented.  The photo is of a 1982 Kawasaki LTD 1000 gleaming in the sunlight.  The third motorcycle I ever owned, it was the most beautiful embodiment of freedom $1500 could buy.  I speak in past tense because around the same time I lost my sexual addiction, I also lost my "freedom machine."  The fact that the two events happened to coincide is purely coincidental, as I sold the bike to free up some investment cash.  Then again, the fact that I would even come up with such an extreme idea is indicative of a major paradigm shift.  To understand this monumental change, you must know that I got my first two-wheeler the year I turned 16.  The way the licensing system was set up at the time, you could get a learner's permit for a motorcycle before you completed your class 5 licensing.  The only stipulation was that you couldn't carry any passengers.  Talk about freedom!  Suddenly, I didn't have to bum rides off anyone.  If I had somewhere to be and the weather was reasonable, I could get there.  Boy, was it fun getting there!  The bike was not terribly fast, but I was in love nonetheless.  Once I was fully licensed and able to take my girlfriend along, it became evident that I could use something a little more powerful.  Enter my second bike, which boasted 250 more cubic centimeters than my wimpy 400.  The only downside was that the exhaust on the bike was unaltered, which I quickly remedied.

Then came the day my 650 was stolen.  Logically, this should have ended my "biker" phase, as my wife was already pregnant with our first child.  However, my boss owed my some money, and I decided to redeem it for a peppy new ride.  It was only when I went to register the bike that I realized my income would have to increase a fair bit if I wanted to own a motorcycle boasting 1000 cc's or more.

Enter Primerica Financial Services.  My co-worker was an agent with the company, and I saw (with a little help from my colleague) a great part-time opportunity to make some extra coin.  It was at one of the weekly meetings that I first heard about the three stages of development, and I could see immediately that I needed to move on to the interdependent stage.  Fixing cars and riding motorcycles are great independent behaviours, but true fulfillment is found in doing things for others without expecting anything from them in return.  It's a cliche you hear over and over again, but it's counter-intuitive to anyone who has come to view women as mere objects of lust.  As one such individual, I was accustomed to instant gratification.  Surfing porn online gave me exactly that, with no strings attached.  No little mouths to feed, no mood swings to deal with.  Just complete and utter independence.

Which brings me back to my beloved "Kawi."  To trade my motorcycle for an intangible investment was to say that my 7-passenger SUV was enough.  It was to accept the extra mouths and mood swings.  As much as I enjoyed riding, it can't compare to everything that comes with the extra mouths and mood swings!  Parenting is truly an interdependent experience, and I believe it is that much more satisfying if you let the children be the dependents.

In conclusion, I believe Jesus Christ would agree with my decision to put my family's future ahead of my own interest.  After all, it was He that said "it is better to give than to receive."  So look out, independence!  You're about to be on the receiving end of a very giving size 11 boot, and it's not a riding boot!