Many anorexics have a fantasy/ideal person. This person always loves them, accepts them, sees how wonderful they are, praises them and best of all, doesn't ask anything from them. For some it's a neighbor, another person's spouse, a clerk, a spiritual person or an old boyfriend or girlfriend they wish they married.
For others it's a sexual fantasy or a pornographic fantasy of being insatiably desired sexually. Most anorexics have a fantasy or ideal person that they are in some relationship with emotionally.
This fantasy keeps them company and lets them know how their spouse doesn't measure up because all real people have flaws. This fantasy person can keep you in regret or resentment that you married the person you did. Fantasy can also keep you on the lookout for another person who would be different or more kind than your spouse is to you. I think you get the idea; it keeps you distant from your spouse. The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to my personal fantasy person.
This will be a difficult letter for me to write, because your embodiment is seen everywhere. I thought of you when that avatar lured me back to her farm for some sexual role playing. I thought of you when the babe in the little black bikini thanked me for returning her stray Frisbee at Winnipeg Beach. I even thought of you when I locked gazes with that chick on Portage Ave.
Fortunately, I only get to glimpse you once on most occasions, such as seeing a beautiful face in a passing vehicle. That's not to say I haven't had fleeting thoughts of you when I've been around women I see regularly. The good thing is I have never received any indication from these women that my fantasies are anywhere close to reality.
Another reason it will be hard to say goodbye is that I enjoy seeing you, especially when you are with me in the flesh. Of course, by that I mean my wife. It was glimpses of you that drew me to her in the first place. The blind adoration, the willingness to please me in ways I thought only you could please me, and of course her teenage form. For that attraction I am eternally grateful. However, I must say that I never hoped to see you again after the day of my wedding. That was the day I was to trade our "open" relationship for a monogamous relationship with the love of my life, and I have to say that I thought I had a steal of a deal during the honeymoon! Then, of course, the honeymoon ended and the doubts began to set in.
Although the honeymoon had to end, my complete enfatuation did not have to. I don't do myself or my wife any favors by thinking of you, so I must bid you adieu. I believe that with you out of the picture, I will better appreciate the wife that I chose to marry.
Of course, it's one thing to appreciate a woman, but to show her that you appreciate her is another. This skill was unecessary in our relationship, but I've come to see it as an essential skill in real-life relationships. Another thing I've realized is that anything worth having in this life is going to take work. There are no free rides, and the kind of relationship that I desire is only possible through sacrifice. Success in any area of life requires sacrifice. The "right" woman does not guarantee a fulfilling relationship any more than applying for a high paying job guarantees financial success. You still have to do the work! Divorce courts are full of men who thought they had found "the one" until they discovered that the amount of sacrifice they were comfortable with was not enough to keep their relationship intact. I know I'm on a bit of a tangent here, but I must say that the percentage of those men who call themselves Christians baffles me!
I've always know that divorce is wrong, so the very idea of entertaining thoughts of you is absurd. Staying true to my wife means so much more than staying legally married. My goal in my marriage should be to love my wife like Christ loves the church, and I can assure you that Christ has no "fantasy" bride! After all, it was for the church he gave his very life. Giving up an "ideal" woman is nothing in comparison.
In conclusion, God has provided me with a "suitable helpmate." Anyone else who enters my mind or crosses my path must be immediately dismissed. Goodbye.
Thursday 17 March 2011
Wednesday 16 March 2011
Victim Letter
In an intimacy anorexic's world, where others are bad and only they are good, where it is "their spouse who is always critical, shaming and unforgiving," the anorexic develops a worldview where they are the victim.
The victim is an amazing place for the anorexic to be. In this place, they have no responsibility for what's happening. They don't have to take responsibility for the withholding. They believe that they are not creating intentional pain to their spouse, because it's their spouse that's causing them pain, independently of the anorexia. I think you get the drift. Playing the victim, even if it's only in your mind, is part of the anorexia entity.
The following letter is a thank you and goodbye letter to being the victim.
First of all, I would like to thank you for leaving my spouse alone. Ever since we met, she has not given you a single foothold. I know she's not perfect, but by God's grace I could never bring myself to point the finger at her as the reason for my addiction. I may have justified my acting out by pointing out any rejection I felt from her, but deep down I know that had nothing to do with my behavior.
The reason for my behavior, it could be argued, goes back to before I met my wife. Being raised in an overprotective, legalistic Mennonite home--that'll make a sex addict out of anyone! If my dad had only been less awkward in dealing with my sexual exploration and avoided shaming me with Old Testament scripture, I may have stood a chance at sexual purity. Alas, my father scored an "F" in sexual education, so I had to learn things the hard way. Thanks to "being the victim," acting out with myself and my girlfriend did not have to reflect on myself as a person, but how I was raised.
Just for the fun of it, let's suppose a victim of poor sexual training was able to maintain sobriety. Impossible, right? After all, you can't change the past. Fortunately for me, the past doesn't have to define my present or my future. Unfortunately for you, I am living proof of this principle. Do I wish I knew what I know now ten years ago? Absolutely. However, I have nothing to gain by dwelling on the fact that I didn't.
What I'm getting at is that I didn't need you during my sexual addiction, and I certainly don't need you now. At best, you're a lame excuse for my own poor choices. Even as I lay out my sexual addiction for my children in the future, I will try not to sound like I was ever a victim. I'm sure my own children will some day look back on their early childhood and feel victimized in some other way, but as long as God grants me breath I will see to it that they mature into the healthy sexual beings they are intended to be. "Playing the victim" isn't cool in any area of life, but it's especially bad when it's your kids that are doing it!
The victim is an amazing place for the anorexic to be. In this place, they have no responsibility for what's happening. They don't have to take responsibility for the withholding. They believe that they are not creating intentional pain to their spouse, because it's their spouse that's causing them pain, independently of the anorexia. I think you get the drift. Playing the victim, even if it's only in your mind, is part of the anorexia entity.
The following letter is a thank you and goodbye letter to being the victim.
First of all, I would like to thank you for leaving my spouse alone. Ever since we met, she has not given you a single foothold. I know she's not perfect, but by God's grace I could never bring myself to point the finger at her as the reason for my addiction. I may have justified my acting out by pointing out any rejection I felt from her, but deep down I know that had nothing to do with my behavior.
The reason for my behavior, it could be argued, goes back to before I met my wife. Being raised in an overprotective, legalistic Mennonite home--that'll make a sex addict out of anyone! If my dad had only been less awkward in dealing with my sexual exploration and avoided shaming me with Old Testament scripture, I may have stood a chance at sexual purity. Alas, my father scored an "F" in sexual education, so I had to learn things the hard way. Thanks to "being the victim," acting out with myself and my girlfriend did not have to reflect on myself as a person, but how I was raised.
Just for the fun of it, let's suppose a victim of poor sexual training was able to maintain sobriety. Impossible, right? After all, you can't change the past. Fortunately for me, the past doesn't have to define my present or my future. Unfortunately for you, I am living proof of this principle. Do I wish I knew what I know now ten years ago? Absolutely. However, I have nothing to gain by dwelling on the fact that I didn't.
What I'm getting at is that I didn't need you during my sexual addiction, and I certainly don't need you now. At best, you're a lame excuse for my own poor choices. Even as I lay out my sexual addiction for my children in the future, I will try not to sound like I was ever a victim. I'm sure my own children will some day look back on their early childhood and feel victimized in some other way, but as long as God grants me breath I will see to it that they mature into the healthy sexual beings they are intended to be. "Playing the victim" isn't cool in any area of life, but it's especially bad when it's your kids that are doing it!
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Thank You and Good-Bye (from the Intimacy Anorexia Workbook by Dr. Doug Weiss)
The alcoholic picks up alcohol early in life and the alcohol becomes a friend. It represents a place to go in order to feel safe and secure. It may help him/her to be animated, take a risk, or have friends. In the same way, intimacy anorexia has become my friend. This massive protective entity, my anorexia, came along early in life to serve me and I began to trust this entity for many things in my emotional life. This entity helped me survive but it cannot help me really live.
The following is a thank you letter to thank anorexia for all it has done for me over the years.
I would like to say "thank you" for facilitating a sexual addiction that lasted for about 10 years. I couldn't have done it without you. As you know, I grew up in a Christian home, and you helped me to keep the necessary distance from my family to prevent them from knowing anything about my "transgressions."
Obviously my nuclear family is not the only party that benefited from your existence. There's also my church family, who could always look at me and believe that I could do no wrong thanks to you. The church's opinion of me allowed me to serve in various positions that may not have been open to "sex addicts".
And then there's my wife. You taught me things like how to stay busy all the time so I would have no time for her, how to distance myself with silence/anger, and how to find faults in my not-quite-perfect spouse. There was also the active witholding of love, praise, and spirital openness that helped keep the connection with my wife to a minimum. Without this connection, my wife was free to live her life comletely unaware of my addiction.
Finally, I would like to thank you for protecting my own heart. If it weren't for you, my decision to break the heart of my lovely wife would have caused unimaginable pain for myself. You instilled a coldness in me that allowed me to watch her emotional outbursts with only a slight discomfort.
Yes, we made a good team, you and I. Me--and introvert by nature, and you--an empowering defense mechanism. It was you who enabled this seemingly "chaste" preacher's kid to be incredibly promiscuous. I have put thousands of naked or scantily clad women in front of me over the years, and you made it okay because everyone close to me was just as unaware of my actions as those sexy models.
However, all good things must come to an end. Thanks to God, the sexy vixens are gone, and with them goes the need for your protection. I'm now headed down a path of sexual health, a way you cannot go.
Don't worry. There are millions of men in this day of unprecedented porn access who need your help. I'm sure they'll be glad to have you. We, however, are done. This is a new chapter in my life, a chapter in which you are identified and eliminated like the cancer that you are. May the generational curse in my family stop here so I never have to see you again.
The following is a thank you letter to thank anorexia for all it has done for me over the years.
I would like to say "thank you" for facilitating a sexual addiction that lasted for about 10 years. I couldn't have done it without you. As you know, I grew up in a Christian home, and you helped me to keep the necessary distance from my family to prevent them from knowing anything about my "transgressions."
Obviously my nuclear family is not the only party that benefited from your existence. There's also my church family, who could always look at me and believe that I could do no wrong thanks to you. The church's opinion of me allowed me to serve in various positions that may not have been open to "sex addicts".
And then there's my wife. You taught me things like how to stay busy all the time so I would have no time for her, how to distance myself with silence/anger, and how to find faults in my not-quite-perfect spouse. There was also the active witholding of love, praise, and spirital openness that helped keep the connection with my wife to a minimum. Without this connection, my wife was free to live her life comletely unaware of my addiction.
Finally, I would like to thank you for protecting my own heart. If it weren't for you, my decision to break the heart of my lovely wife would have caused unimaginable pain for myself. You instilled a coldness in me that allowed me to watch her emotional outbursts with only a slight discomfort.
Yes, we made a good team, you and I. Me--and introvert by nature, and you--an empowering defense mechanism. It was you who enabled this seemingly "chaste" preacher's kid to be incredibly promiscuous. I have put thousands of naked or scantily clad women in front of me over the years, and you made it okay because everyone close to me was just as unaware of my actions as those sexy models.
However, all good things must come to an end. Thanks to God, the sexy vixens are gone, and with them goes the need for your protection. I'm now headed down a path of sexual health, a way you cannot go.
Don't worry. There are millions of men in this day of unprecedented porn access who need your help. I'm sure they'll be glad to have you. We, however, are done. This is a new chapter in my life, a chapter in which you are identified and eliminated like the cancer that you are. May the generational curse in my family stop here so I never have to see you again.
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