Victim Letter

In an intimacy anorexic's world, where others are bad and only they are good, where it is "their spouse who is always critical, shaming and unforgiving," the anorexic develops a worldview where they are the victim.

The victim is an amazing place for the anorexic to be.  In this place, they have no responsibility for what's happening.  They don't have to take responsibility for the withholding.   They believe that they are not creating intentional pain to their spouse, because it's their spouse that's causing them pain, independently of the anorexia.  I think you get the drift.  Playing the victim, even if it's only in your mind, is part of the anorexia entity.

The following letter is a thank you and goodbye letter to being the victim.


First of all, I would like to thank you for leaving my spouse alone.  Ever since we met, she has not given you a single foothold.  I know she's not perfect, but by God's grace I could never bring myself to point the finger at her as the reason for my addiction.  I may have justified my acting out by pointing out any rejection I felt from her, but deep down I know that had nothing to do with my behavior.

The reason for my behavior, it could be argued, goes back to before I met my wife.  Being raised in an overprotective, legalistic Mennonite home--that'll make a sex addict out of anyone!  If my dad had only been less awkward in dealing with my sexual exploration and avoided shaming me with Old Testament scripture, I may have stood a chance at sexual purity.  Alas, my father scored an "F" in sexual education, so I had to learn things the hard way.  Thanks to "being the victim," acting out with myself and my girlfriend did not have to reflect on myself as a person, but how I was raised.

Just for the fun of it, let's suppose a victim of poor sexual training was able to maintain sobriety.  Impossible, right?  After all, you can't change the past.  Fortunately for me, the past doesn't have to define my present or my future.  Unfortunately for you, I am living proof of this principle.  Do I wish I knew what I know now ten years ago?  Absolutely.  However, I have nothing to gain by dwelling on the fact that I didn't.

What I'm getting at is that I didn't need you during my sexual addiction, and I certainly don't need you now.  At best, you're a lame excuse for my own poor choices.  Even as I lay out my sexual addiction for my children in the future, I will try not to sound like I was ever a victim.  I'm sure my own children will some day look back on their early childhood and feel victimized in some other way, but as long as God grants me breath I will see to it that they mature into the healthy sexual beings they are intended to be.  "Playing the victim" isn't cool in any area of life, but it's especially bad when it's your kids that are doing it!