It is common for the anorexic to have a "back door." The back door is a belief or dream that you can live without your spouse. You might think that you could actually do better than the spouse you have.
The belief is that there is another person, real or imaginary, that they can leave this marriage for and pursue real happiness, freedom, and love. The back door is great because you can at least emotionally have one foot, and more importantly your heart, outside the door, so to speak.
The back door also keeps you on the hunt for Mr. or Mrs. Right as well. You can romanticize or sexualize benign relationships, wondering if they are the one. The back door provides an escape to your marriage or relationship.
To be intimate with your present spouse takes a full commitment. This back door keeps you from the work and pain of making this full commitment of your heart, for intimacy, so instead you stay anorexic in the marriage. The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to this half-hearted commitment.
I believe there was a "back door" implied in the "fantasy/ideal person" letter, but in an effort to be coachable I will try to write a different letter this time around.
One thing I emphasized in the "fantasy/ideal person" letter was the importance of putting lots of hard work into my marriage. Would it be possible to do all that work and yet keep the "back door" open to potential inappropriate relationships? I believe it is. It's easy to get it in your head that you belong to your spouse alone, but it's not as easy to tell your heart. Your heart still may want to be like a stallion that has his way with all the lovely fillies.
I absolutely love the analogy given in this regard in "Every Young Man's Battle." They ask the reader to consider such a horse in the context of war horses. When it's time to go to war, only the trained horses may engage in battle. The wild ones never leave the corral. As a recovering sex addict, I can definitely relate to the concept of sitting in the corral with my imaginary fillies while other less "studly" horses are called to do great things in the Kingdom. I can't help but wonder what those horses have that I don't.
I think the answer is commitment. These guys understand that Christ is fully committed to his bride, and they need to be equally committed to God and/or their wives. The only problem is that commitment means pain and sacrifice. It's much easier to feign commitment than it is to be truly committed.
This actually leads me to another problem. How often is our commitment tested? I've told my wife I'd be true to her, but I've never actually had to turn down a woman's advances. I have identified and destroyed the adulterous practice of viewing pornography, which indicates the back door is closed. However, that could just be something that changed in my head. Now I have to allow my heart and mind to be cleansed and renewed to the point that no sign exists to suggest there ever was a back door.
Thursday, 28 April 2011
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Letter to the Wall
The wall in the anorexia entity is designed to protect you. People can see your image in this glass wall but can't really touch you. It looks really good until someone tries to get to you and it's almost impossible.
Over time, the wall doesn't tell you this but it slowly closes you inside, so you find it increasingly more difficult to get out even when you truly want to come out. Eventually, you feel hopeless to come out, which of course makes it really easier for you to stay inside the wall and the image.
Like all the other pieces to this anorexia entity, this wall must be torn down. The following is my thank you and goodbye letter to this wall.
I don't know if there's anything I can say in this letter that was not addressed in my first "letter to intimacy anorexia." As I understand Dr. Weiss, "the wall" is just a way of visualizing intimacy anorexia. However, I feel like I really picked on God in my last letter, so I would like to take this opportunity to praise Him for getting me pointed in the right direction. I've mentioned Dr. Weiss, as he is the one who came up with the idea for these letters, but I have never thanked God for leading me to the counselor who introduced me to him!
When I met my Gerry Pettyjohn (a professional counselor who introduced me to the concept of intimacy anorexia and recommended Dr. Weiss' recovery material), I was pretty hopeless. I had admitted to my wife three times that I had failed in the area of sexual purity, and the last time there was an online tryst involved. I had heard of sex addiction before, but that sounded more glamorous than what I was going through! Gerry helped me realize that sex addiction was exactly what I was dealing with. It amazed me that as soon as I had identified the problem, I began to have hope. Reading recovery material really helped in that area, as I began to see what kind of life I could have on the road to being recovered. I wouldn't have to suppress all the images I had filled my mind with throughout the day that threatened to incriminate me. I wouldn't have to look at other women and think that maybe they would make a better lover than my wife. I could even talk with and learn from people who were on a different faith level without fear of being discovered as a fraud.
But it's like Dr. Weiss says, once you've allowed "the wall" to form around you, it's easier to stay inside than break out. I longed to see the blessings in my marriage grow exponentially, but it turns out I actually have to work at making improvements if I ever want to see them do so. I found that not doing destructive things was a heck of a lot easier than finding positive actions to replace those things. That's definitely been the greatest challenge for me. With the addiction gone, I see the need to fill that void. The problem is that I can't find anything inside the wall. You think the wall is keeping the evil from going out or being seen, but it's actually keeping good things from coming in.
I guess the bottom line is God delivered me from my addiction, and He wants to see me obey Him to completion in response. As long as I'm in a relationship with "the wall," this is impossible. Once this wall comes down and I begin to let encouraging people in, God can heal me from my anorexia as well.
Over time, the wall doesn't tell you this but it slowly closes you inside, so you find it increasingly more difficult to get out even when you truly want to come out. Eventually, you feel hopeless to come out, which of course makes it really easier for you to stay inside the wall and the image.
Like all the other pieces to this anorexia entity, this wall must be torn down. The following is my thank you and goodbye letter to this wall.
I don't know if there's anything I can say in this letter that was not addressed in my first "letter to intimacy anorexia." As I understand Dr. Weiss, "the wall" is just a way of visualizing intimacy anorexia. However, I feel like I really picked on God in my last letter, so I would like to take this opportunity to praise Him for getting me pointed in the right direction. I've mentioned Dr. Weiss, as he is the one who came up with the idea for these letters, but I have never thanked God for leading me to the counselor who introduced me to him!
When I met my Gerry Pettyjohn (a professional counselor who introduced me to the concept of intimacy anorexia and recommended Dr. Weiss' recovery material), I was pretty hopeless. I had admitted to my wife three times that I had failed in the area of sexual purity, and the last time there was an online tryst involved. I had heard of sex addiction before, but that sounded more glamorous than what I was going through! Gerry helped me realize that sex addiction was exactly what I was dealing with. It amazed me that as soon as I had identified the problem, I began to have hope. Reading recovery material really helped in that area, as I began to see what kind of life I could have on the road to being recovered. I wouldn't have to suppress all the images I had filled my mind with throughout the day that threatened to incriminate me. I wouldn't have to look at other women and think that maybe they would make a better lover than my wife. I could even talk with and learn from people who were on a different faith level without fear of being discovered as a fraud.
But it's like Dr. Weiss says, once you've allowed "the wall" to form around you, it's easier to stay inside than break out. I longed to see the blessings in my marriage grow exponentially, but it turns out I actually have to work at making improvements if I ever want to see them do so. I found that not doing destructive things was a heck of a lot easier than finding positive actions to replace those things. That's definitely been the greatest challenge for me. With the addiction gone, I see the need to fill that void. The problem is that I can't find anything inside the wall. You think the wall is keeping the evil from going out or being seen, but it's actually keeping good things from coming in.
I guess the bottom line is God delivered me from my addiction, and He wants to see me obey Him to completion in response. As long as I'm in a relationship with "the wall," this is impossible. Once this wall comes down and I begin to let encouraging people in, God can heal me from my anorexia as well.
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Letter to Blaming
Blaming is important to the entity of intimacy anorexia. Blaming is the insider game. The anorexic really believes that circumstance, their spouse's abuse (real or imaginary), family of origin issues or personality is to blame for the lack of intimacy, criticism, or sexual disinterest.
The anorexic, after all, is wonderful and all the other people in their world agree who they treat respectfully and thoughtfully. It's only their spouse that has the problem, even if this is spouse number three, having the same problem as the last two.
Blaming fuels anorexia like denial does any addiction. It allows the anorexic not to take responsibility for the pain of others or the pain of seeing their own flaws or take any responsibility to change. For that reason I needed to write a thank you and goodbye letter to blaming.
This letter will not be what you expect. I'm supposed to write to you and thank you for shifting the blame for my addiction onto my spouse, but as I pointed out in my "victim letter," that never actually happened. My addiction began years before I met my wife, so it just didn't make sense to blame her.
However, there is someone that I met long before my addiction began that received his fair share of blame. I'm referring to God. I was taught about Him from early on, and actually said the sinner's prayer at the age of three. Unfortunately, I didn't understand that that was not enough. The behaviours I mentioned in my "letter to selfishness" all showed up after my initial commitment, and some even began after a re-commitment at a youth function about seven years later. If God disapproved of these things, why would He let me form such habits?
Of course, that's an absurd question, but you have never been one to encourage rational thinking. You led me to believe that I was an inherently good person, but it was just too much for God to ask me to remain sexually pure. If I, the one everyone thought was "perfect" couldn't do it, no one could. My dad couldn't. My friends couldn't. No one ever told me they knew from personal experience that purity was possible. Heck, even the deacon from church I respected the most told me he had slipped up when he was dating!
As far as masturbation is concerned, I shifted the blame to James Dobson. He says that something like 95% of all teenage boys masturbate, and the other 5% are liars. I didn't want to be a liar, so I joined the 95%!
Okay, so I'm not willing to blame my wife for my acting out. How about my acting-in behaviours? Surely my wife was the one to blame for some extent of my witholding. Or could God be the one to blame for those as well?
Unfortunately, I believed you when you said"yes" and "yes." Just like Adam blamed Eve for acting out, I blamed God and my wife for acting in. I blamed God for making me an introvert, afraid to show affection. I blamed my wife for not encouraging me to be more affectionate once we were married. It was hard for me to blame her for my addiction, but easy to say that my acting in had nothing to do with my addiction and everything to do with her. "If you're supposed to praise your wife, she has to blow you away with praise-worthy actions!" is what you told me. "Affection? That ended with the honeymoon, dude!" It's clear that you've been coming up with crap like this since the dawn of man.
It's also clear that you are an absolute menace to personal development. I've learned that the people who see success in life are the ones who take 100% ownership of their lives. Some of the greatest composers, inventors, politicians and the like are people who came from what looked like hopeless situations. Rather than use their circumstances as an excuse to live and die anonymously, they chose to shun mediocrity and earn a place in history. If they could see opportunity to excel in their lives, I see no reason for my life to flop in any way. That certainly includes my sex life.
To end off this letter, I must give honourable mention in the "blame" category to my father. I can't help but think of him when I think of who's to blame for my addiction. After all, he's the one who was responsible for teaching me how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Why did he do such a miserable job teaching me about sex? I suppose it's because he didn't know himself what healthy sexuality is. Or maybe he just felt way too uncomfortable talking about it. No matter what the reason, now that I know what healthy sexuality is, it's my responsibility to pass that knowledge on to my son in a way that's not judgemental or legalistic in any way. If I dwell on the past and just look at the lack of such knowledge that I was given, I will not improve the situation at all. On the other hand, if I say goodbye to you, I can start a legendary pattern of men being raised up as leaders in healthy sexuality.
The anorexic, after all, is wonderful and all the other people in their world agree who they treat respectfully and thoughtfully. It's only their spouse that has the problem, even if this is spouse number three, having the same problem as the last two.
Blaming fuels anorexia like denial does any addiction. It allows the anorexic not to take responsibility for the pain of others or the pain of seeing their own flaws or take any responsibility to change. For that reason I needed to write a thank you and goodbye letter to blaming.
This letter will not be what you expect. I'm supposed to write to you and thank you for shifting the blame for my addiction onto my spouse, but as I pointed out in my "victim letter," that never actually happened. My addiction began years before I met my wife, so it just didn't make sense to blame her.
However, there is someone that I met long before my addiction began that received his fair share of blame. I'm referring to God. I was taught about Him from early on, and actually said the sinner's prayer at the age of three. Unfortunately, I didn't understand that that was not enough. The behaviours I mentioned in my "letter to selfishness" all showed up after my initial commitment, and some even began after a re-commitment at a youth function about seven years later. If God disapproved of these things, why would He let me form such habits?
Of course, that's an absurd question, but you have never been one to encourage rational thinking. You led me to believe that I was an inherently good person, but it was just too much for God to ask me to remain sexually pure. If I, the one everyone thought was "perfect" couldn't do it, no one could. My dad couldn't. My friends couldn't. No one ever told me they knew from personal experience that purity was possible. Heck, even the deacon from church I respected the most told me he had slipped up when he was dating!
As far as masturbation is concerned, I shifted the blame to James Dobson. He says that something like 95% of all teenage boys masturbate, and the other 5% are liars. I didn't want to be a liar, so I joined the 95%!
Okay, so I'm not willing to blame my wife for my acting out. How about my acting-in behaviours? Surely my wife was the one to blame for some extent of my witholding. Or could God be the one to blame for those as well?
Unfortunately, I believed you when you said"yes" and "yes." Just like Adam blamed Eve for acting out, I blamed God and my wife for acting in. I blamed God for making me an introvert, afraid to show affection. I blamed my wife for not encouraging me to be more affectionate once we were married. It was hard for me to blame her for my addiction, but easy to say that my acting in had nothing to do with my addiction and everything to do with her. "If you're supposed to praise your wife, she has to blow you away with praise-worthy actions!" is what you told me. "Affection? That ended with the honeymoon, dude!" It's clear that you've been coming up with crap like this since the dawn of man.
It's also clear that you are an absolute menace to personal development. I've learned that the people who see success in life are the ones who take 100% ownership of their lives. Some of the greatest composers, inventors, politicians and the like are people who came from what looked like hopeless situations. Rather than use their circumstances as an excuse to live and die anonymously, they chose to shun mediocrity and earn a place in history. If they could see opportunity to excel in their lives, I see no reason for my life to flop in any way. That certainly includes my sex life.
To end off this letter, I must give honourable mention in the "blame" category to my father. I can't help but think of him when I think of who's to blame for my addiction. After all, he's the one who was responsible for teaching me how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Why did he do such a miserable job teaching me about sex? I suppose it's because he didn't know himself what healthy sexuality is. Or maybe he just felt way too uncomfortable talking about it. No matter what the reason, now that I know what healthy sexuality is, it's my responsibility to pass that knowledge on to my son in a way that's not judgemental or legalistic in any way. If I dwell on the past and just look at the lack of such knowledge that I was given, I will not improve the situation at all. On the other hand, if I say goodbye to you, I can start a legendary pattern of men being raised up as leaders in healthy sexuality.
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Selfishness Letter
All human beings are selfish at times. This is a part of all of us, in that we are a flawed but loved humanity. This selfishness is part of the overall anorexic entity to protect their heart and justify many behaviors that pull away from or push the spouse away.
Intimacy anorexia is the over volunteering, over commitment to extended family and friends, to exercise, to do sports, to be entitled at the deepest levels to do whatever you want, to say whatever you want to say because you're angry and selfish. This includes intentionally creating pain for your spouse for "a really good reason," and taking care of yourself or keeping some commitment over and above that of your spouse.
Selfishness needs to be said goodbye to so the sex addict can become sober. Although the anorexic, like all humans, will always have a streak of this, it's important to take this brick out of the wall of anorexia, so that the choice of unselfishness and giving your heart to your spouse can be made.
The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to selfishness.
It's funny I should be asked to write a letter to you at this point in my recovery, as I just said goodbye to your more innocent twin, independence. You are the personification of the underlying evil in behaviours that sometimes appear to be healthy. For example, we all need to show a little independence in earning a living, correct? Biblically correct, even. It's when you enter the picture that people get trampled on by corporate pigs that feel they're entitled to an enormous piece of the pie. I went pretty easy on independence, but I hope you see just how little use I have for you.
Let me start by giving a more personal example of your destructive nature at work. In my case, it wasn't making money that you perverted (although sometimes I wish that were so). No, you took a much more beautiful thing, the gift of sex. I guess I've always felt like I deserved an enormous piece of that pie, despite a general lack of attention from the female species. I started off by exploring this realm with other kids and thumbing through the pictures of women in lingerie that I found in the Sears catalogues. Pretty well all I knew about sex was that it was forbidden, and it involved my genitals somehow. I was intrigued by the fact that those naked women could stimulate me sexually even though I didn't know what to do if I had a naked woman in front of me in the flesh.
Then came the fateful day that my best friend convinced me to add my own stimulation to the whole pornographic experience. I had long condemned the practice, as it simply looked impure to me. However, my desire to taste the forbidden fruit got the best of me. The result? Absolute euphoria. Masturbation was an instant staple in my weekly routine. Suddenly the Sears catalogues could not come in the door fast enough. I would seek out any kind of image that was remotely sexual and go to town. I even put my artistic skills to work and created my own images.
Naturally, my selfishness persisted when I entered a romantic relationship with a girl from my church. I was still pretty naive sexually, but I knew what felt good. By the time I popped the question, we were doing dry runs for our wedding night. Unfortunately, exposure to actual sex did little to distract me from fantasy sex. I had all but stopped masturbating by the time we married, but you introduced me to pornography first, and it was the last to go.
Interestingly enough, my recovery workbook asks for a thank you letter to be written to you. To me, that would be like writing a thank you letter to Hitler. Under your influence, he "inspired" an entire nation to host one of the worst extremes of racial genocide in human history. More personally, you convinced me that I deserved more than what I had in my wife. Fortunately, I stopped short of murder, but you don't have to look far to see men who have become that brainwashed.
As my workbook states, selfishness is inherent in every human being. However, "it's important to take this brick out of the wall of anorexia." In my case, I hope to take that brick out and smash it to bits. That means no more side jobs that keep me from having to interact with my wife. No more using meetings as an escape from being at home. No more intentionally hurting my wife with my selfishness.
'Asta la vista, baby!
Intimacy anorexia is the over volunteering, over commitment to extended family and friends, to exercise, to do sports, to be entitled at the deepest levels to do whatever you want, to say whatever you want to say because you're angry and selfish. This includes intentionally creating pain for your spouse for "a really good reason," and taking care of yourself or keeping some commitment over and above that of your spouse.
Selfishness needs to be said goodbye to so the sex addict can become sober. Although the anorexic, like all humans, will always have a streak of this, it's important to take this brick out of the wall of anorexia, so that the choice of unselfishness and giving your heart to your spouse can be made.
The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to selfishness.
It's funny I should be asked to write a letter to you at this point in my recovery, as I just said goodbye to your more innocent twin, independence. You are the personification of the underlying evil in behaviours that sometimes appear to be healthy. For example, we all need to show a little independence in earning a living, correct? Biblically correct, even. It's when you enter the picture that people get trampled on by corporate pigs that feel they're entitled to an enormous piece of the pie. I went pretty easy on independence, but I hope you see just how little use I have for you.
Let me start by giving a more personal example of your destructive nature at work. In my case, it wasn't making money that you perverted (although sometimes I wish that were so). No, you took a much more beautiful thing, the gift of sex. I guess I've always felt like I deserved an enormous piece of that pie, despite a general lack of attention from the female species. I started off by exploring this realm with other kids and thumbing through the pictures of women in lingerie that I found in the Sears catalogues. Pretty well all I knew about sex was that it was forbidden, and it involved my genitals somehow. I was intrigued by the fact that those naked women could stimulate me sexually even though I didn't know what to do if I had a naked woman in front of me in the flesh.
Then came the fateful day that my best friend convinced me to add my own stimulation to the whole pornographic experience. I had long condemned the practice, as it simply looked impure to me. However, my desire to taste the forbidden fruit got the best of me. The result? Absolute euphoria. Masturbation was an instant staple in my weekly routine. Suddenly the Sears catalogues could not come in the door fast enough. I would seek out any kind of image that was remotely sexual and go to town. I even put my artistic skills to work and created my own images.
Naturally, my selfishness persisted when I entered a romantic relationship with a girl from my church. I was still pretty naive sexually, but I knew what felt good. By the time I popped the question, we were doing dry runs for our wedding night. Unfortunately, exposure to actual sex did little to distract me from fantasy sex. I had all but stopped masturbating by the time we married, but you introduced me to pornography first, and it was the last to go.
Interestingly enough, my recovery workbook asks for a thank you letter to be written to you. To me, that would be like writing a thank you letter to Hitler. Under your influence, he "inspired" an entire nation to host one of the worst extremes of racial genocide in human history. More personally, you convinced me that I deserved more than what I had in my wife. Fortunately, I stopped short of murder, but you don't have to look far to see men who have become that brainwashed.
As my workbook states, selfishness is inherent in every human being. However, "it's important to take this brick out of the wall of anorexia." In my case, I hope to take that brick out and smash it to bits. That means no more side jobs that keep me from having to interact with my wife. No more using meetings as an escape from being at home. No more intentionally hurting my wife with my selfishness.
'Asta la vista, baby!
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Independence Letter
In human development we learn of the three major stages of development:
Stage 1 - Dependent: Child needs parents to meet needs
Stage 2 - Independent: Young adult meets their own needs without parents or others' help
Stage 3 - Interdependent: Although I don't need you, I choose to be in a giving and receiving relationship
In America we definitely over emphasize the independent stage such as, the Marlboro man or the independent woman, who takes care of herself and doesn't need anyone. The intimacy anorexic overvalues the second stage of development. There is little awareness that he or she hasn't matured toward the last level. This includes trusting, giving and receiving, interdependently, as a mature adult. Addiction to witholding has stopped the further development of the anorexic.
It's time to end this relationship with independence and the "I don't get hurt" belief. It's time to embrace "I am interdependent and yes, I get hurt and loved at times." The following is my thank you and good bye letter to independence.
In my last letter, I did not have a clear picture in my head of the recipient. This time around, however, all I have to do is pull up a digital image on my computer to see you represented. The photo is of a 1982 Kawasaki LTD 1000 gleaming in the sunlight. The third motorcycle I ever owned, it was the most beautiful embodiment of freedom $1500 could buy. I speak in past tense because around the same time I lost my sexual addiction, I also lost my "freedom machine." The fact that the two events happened to coincide is purely coincidental, as I sold the bike to free up some investment cash. Then again, the fact that I would even come up with such an extreme idea is indicative of a major paradigm shift. To understand this monumental change, you must know that I got my first two-wheeler the year I turned 16. The way the licensing system was set up at the time, you could get a learner's permit for a motorcycle before you completed your class 5 licensing. The only stipulation was that you couldn't carry any passengers. Talk about freedom! Suddenly, I didn't have to bum rides off anyone. If I had somewhere to be and the weather was reasonable, I could get there. Boy, was it fun getting there! The bike was not terribly fast, but I was in love nonetheless. Once I was fully licensed and able to take my girlfriend along, it became evident that I could use something a little more powerful. Enter my second bike, which boasted 250 more cubic centimeters than my wimpy 400. The only downside was that the exhaust on the bike was unaltered, which I quickly remedied.
Then came the day my 650 was stolen. Logically, this should have ended my "biker" phase, as my wife was already pregnant with our first child. However, my boss owed my some money, and I decided to redeem it for a peppy new ride. It was only when I went to register the bike that I realized my income would have to increase a fair bit if I wanted to own a motorcycle boasting 1000 cc's or more.
Enter Primerica Financial Services. My co-worker was an agent with the company, and I saw (with a little help from my colleague) a great part-time opportunity to make some extra coin. It was at one of the weekly meetings that I first heard about the three stages of development, and I could see immediately that I needed to move on to the interdependent stage. Fixing cars and riding motorcycles are great independent behaviours, but true fulfillment is found in doing things for others without expecting anything from them in return. It's a cliche you hear over and over again, but it's counter-intuitive to anyone who has come to view women as mere objects of lust. As one such individual, I was accustomed to instant gratification. Surfing porn online gave me exactly that, with no strings attached. No little mouths to feed, no mood swings to deal with. Just complete and utter independence.
Which brings me back to my beloved "Kawi." To trade my motorcycle for an intangible investment was to say that my 7-passenger SUV was enough. It was to accept the extra mouths and mood swings. As much as I enjoyed riding, it can't compare to everything that comes with the extra mouths and mood swings! Parenting is truly an interdependent experience, and I believe it is that much more satisfying if you let the children be the dependents.
In conclusion, I believe Jesus Christ would agree with my decision to put my family's future ahead of my own interest. After all, it was He that said "it is better to give than to receive." So look out, independence! You're about to be on the receiving end of a very giving size 11 boot, and it's not a riding boot!
Stage 1 - Dependent: Child needs parents to meet needs
Stage 2 - Independent: Young adult meets their own needs without parents or others' help
Stage 3 - Interdependent: Although I don't need you, I choose to be in a giving and receiving relationship
In America we definitely over emphasize the independent stage such as, the Marlboro man or the independent woman, who takes care of herself and doesn't need anyone. The intimacy anorexic overvalues the second stage of development. There is little awareness that he or she hasn't matured toward the last level. This includes trusting, giving and receiving, interdependently, as a mature adult. Addiction to witholding has stopped the further development of the anorexic.
It's time to end this relationship with independence and the "I don't get hurt" belief. It's time to embrace "I am interdependent and yes, I get hurt and loved at times." The following is my thank you and good bye letter to independence.
In my last letter, I did not have a clear picture in my head of the recipient. This time around, however, all I have to do is pull up a digital image on my computer to see you represented. The photo is of a 1982 Kawasaki LTD 1000 gleaming in the sunlight. The third motorcycle I ever owned, it was the most beautiful embodiment of freedom $1500 could buy. I speak in past tense because around the same time I lost my sexual addiction, I also lost my "freedom machine." The fact that the two events happened to coincide is purely coincidental, as I sold the bike to free up some investment cash. Then again, the fact that I would even come up with such an extreme idea is indicative of a major paradigm shift. To understand this monumental change, you must know that I got my first two-wheeler the year I turned 16. The way the licensing system was set up at the time, you could get a learner's permit for a motorcycle before you completed your class 5 licensing. The only stipulation was that you couldn't carry any passengers. Talk about freedom! Suddenly, I didn't have to bum rides off anyone. If I had somewhere to be and the weather was reasonable, I could get there. Boy, was it fun getting there! The bike was not terribly fast, but I was in love nonetheless. Once I was fully licensed and able to take my girlfriend along, it became evident that I could use something a little more powerful. Enter my second bike, which boasted 250 more cubic centimeters than my wimpy 400. The only downside was that the exhaust on the bike was unaltered, which I quickly remedied.
Then came the day my 650 was stolen. Logically, this should have ended my "biker" phase, as my wife was already pregnant with our first child. However, my boss owed my some money, and I decided to redeem it for a peppy new ride. It was only when I went to register the bike that I realized my income would have to increase a fair bit if I wanted to own a motorcycle boasting 1000 cc's or more.
Enter Primerica Financial Services. My co-worker was an agent with the company, and I saw (with a little help from my colleague) a great part-time opportunity to make some extra coin. It was at one of the weekly meetings that I first heard about the three stages of development, and I could see immediately that I needed to move on to the interdependent stage. Fixing cars and riding motorcycles are great independent behaviours, but true fulfillment is found in doing things for others without expecting anything from them in return. It's a cliche you hear over and over again, but it's counter-intuitive to anyone who has come to view women as mere objects of lust. As one such individual, I was accustomed to instant gratification. Surfing porn online gave me exactly that, with no strings attached. No little mouths to feed, no mood swings to deal with. Just complete and utter independence.
Which brings me back to my beloved "Kawi." To trade my motorcycle for an intangible investment was to say that my 7-passenger SUV was enough. It was to accept the extra mouths and mood swings. As much as I enjoyed riding, it can't compare to everything that comes with the extra mouths and mood swings! Parenting is truly an interdependent experience, and I believe it is that much more satisfying if you let the children be the dependents.
In conclusion, I believe Jesus Christ would agree with my decision to put my family's future ahead of my own interest. After all, it was He that said "it is better to give than to receive." So look out, independence! You're about to be on the receiving end of a very giving size 11 boot, and it's not a riding boot!
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Letter to Control
Control is huge for most intimacy anorexics. Control has many forms in the life of the intimacy anorexic. They control the illusion that they are amazing and wonderful to the outside world and also find ways to control their spouse.
They control how much love, praise, sex, emotional sharing, or even how much time, they will give to their spouse. They control with the pain of silence, the pain of rage or the pain of witholding touch or sex.
Control is almost an everyday friend of the anorexic. Control protects and pushes away; it's both a sword and a shield for many intimacy anorexics. This is a relationship an anorexic definitely needs to break if they are to heal and give and receive love in a real relationship.
The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to control.
I guess I will have to begin by clarifying just who this letter is to. It is pointless to address "control" as if I had a relationship with it. Rather, I must address "the illusion of control," as that is all I am familiar with.
So where did this desire to feel like I was in control originate? As with other aspects of my intimacy anorexia, it began at home, where my parents would do everything within their power to get me to "behave." This meant getting a spanking if I was caught misbehaving and also missing out on social connections later on in life out of fear that I might be negatively influenced by my peers. I know the intentions were good, but being controlled without knowing why I couldn't make my own decisions did not sit well with me. When I reached adolescence, it was not easy to retrain myself and submit. However, I wanted to be able to use the family car, so I would leave youth group minutes before curfew and speed home, usually arriving a couple minutes past my 10:30 curfew. This did not sit well with Mom and Dad, who would sit at the kitchen table and look in disgust at the clock. To my credit, I never completely disregarded my curfew in response, but the attitude I got when I came home convinced me that my parents wanted nothing more than to see me follow their illogical rules.
Naturally, I saw no reason to wait until I was 18 to start dating, which was one of the "rules." The object of my affections was nearly 18 already, and she was ripe for the picking! I had a bit of money and her complete attention, so nothing my parents could say was about to keep me from her. I was in control now.
As it turns out, guys in their late teens actually do need rules, which I failed to establish with my girlfriend. For years I had indulged in soft-core pornography, and feeling the touch of an actual young woman gave me too much satisfaction to cut myself off when no one was telling me to. I knew it when I had gone too far, but it seemed like everything was under control and we were rarely ever caught. Throw in pornography and masturbation, and I was convinced that sex was a marionette under my control, for my pleasure.
It wasn't until after we got married that I realized how much sex was controlling me. Three times I confessed my sexual sin to my wife, and each time my transgressions were more damaging. Talk about being out of control! It was in that dark valley that I realized I had to let you go. All my years of making it look like I had everything in order in life had gotten me nowhere. It was time to let go and let God.
Unfortuately, control was already a big thing for me. I would attempt to control things and people around me all the time, including my wife. She would get shut out whenever I disagreed with her words, actions, or even lack of actions. This would upset her, and I would get upset that she was upset. So much for gaining control! It was very difficult learning to live with me, and my wife eventually started to pretend that she just didn't care whenever there was anything that upset her for fear of making things worse.
As of this post, I still feel I do not always take everything in stride or communicate very well with my spouse, but I do feel things are improving. My wife and I actually talk about things that come up and can usually break impasses peacefully. One thing that's going to be really interesting for me is raising my own children! Maintaining control is not something I can even pretend is going to happen. Like I said, I'll have to just let go and let God.
They control how much love, praise, sex, emotional sharing, or even how much time, they will give to their spouse. They control with the pain of silence, the pain of rage or the pain of witholding touch or sex.
Control is almost an everyday friend of the anorexic. Control protects and pushes away; it's both a sword and a shield for many intimacy anorexics. This is a relationship an anorexic definitely needs to break if they are to heal and give and receive love in a real relationship.
The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to control.
I guess I will have to begin by clarifying just who this letter is to. It is pointless to address "control" as if I had a relationship with it. Rather, I must address "the illusion of control," as that is all I am familiar with.
So where did this desire to feel like I was in control originate? As with other aspects of my intimacy anorexia, it began at home, where my parents would do everything within their power to get me to "behave." This meant getting a spanking if I was caught misbehaving and also missing out on social connections later on in life out of fear that I might be negatively influenced by my peers. I know the intentions were good, but being controlled without knowing why I couldn't make my own decisions did not sit well with me. When I reached adolescence, it was not easy to retrain myself and submit. However, I wanted to be able to use the family car, so I would leave youth group minutes before curfew and speed home, usually arriving a couple minutes past my 10:30 curfew. This did not sit well with Mom and Dad, who would sit at the kitchen table and look in disgust at the clock. To my credit, I never completely disregarded my curfew in response, but the attitude I got when I came home convinced me that my parents wanted nothing more than to see me follow their illogical rules.
Naturally, I saw no reason to wait until I was 18 to start dating, which was one of the "rules." The object of my affections was nearly 18 already, and she was ripe for the picking! I had a bit of money and her complete attention, so nothing my parents could say was about to keep me from her. I was in control now.
As it turns out, guys in their late teens actually do need rules, which I failed to establish with my girlfriend. For years I had indulged in soft-core pornography, and feeling the touch of an actual young woman gave me too much satisfaction to cut myself off when no one was telling me to. I knew it when I had gone too far, but it seemed like everything was under control and we were rarely ever caught. Throw in pornography and masturbation, and I was convinced that sex was a marionette under my control, for my pleasure.
It wasn't until after we got married that I realized how much sex was controlling me. Three times I confessed my sexual sin to my wife, and each time my transgressions were more damaging. Talk about being out of control! It was in that dark valley that I realized I had to let you go. All my years of making it look like I had everything in order in life had gotten me nowhere. It was time to let go and let God.
Unfortuately, control was already a big thing for me. I would attempt to control things and people around me all the time, including my wife. She would get shut out whenever I disagreed with her words, actions, or even lack of actions. This would upset her, and I would get upset that she was upset. So much for gaining control! It was very difficult learning to live with me, and my wife eventually started to pretend that she just didn't care whenever there was anything that upset her for fear of making things worse.
As of this post, I still feel I do not always take everything in stride or communicate very well with my spouse, but I do feel things are improving. My wife and I actually talk about things that come up and can usually break impasses peacefully. One thing that's going to be really interesting for me is raising my own children! Maintaining control is not something I can even pretend is going to happen. Like I said, I'll have to just let go and let God.
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Fear of Intimacy Letter
Many but not all intimacy anorexics have a genuine fear of intimacy. Intimacy is when you can be fully seen, flawed and all, and still be loved and accepted. For many anorexics, whether in their family of origin, an abusive incident, neglect or an early romantic or sexual relationship, they did not experience safety or love with intimacy.
For some anorexics, it was actually negatively reinforced. In other words, they would bring their heart out to connect and it would be neglected, unheard, unseen or even worse. It would be given more pain when they came out so they legitimately would have fear to try this again.
The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to my fear of intimacy.
When I think of you, I think of Danny from the movie Grease. The opening scene in the film shows a wonderfully intimate summer on the beach with his newfound Aussie friend. He never expects to see her again once school resumes, but suddenly finds himself face to face with her on campus. His initial reaction of surprise and glee is short-lived once he realizes that the rest of the T-Birds are right behind him. It's not cool to be best friends with a chick. It's cool to get in her pants, but not to get in her heart.
Sound familiar? Absolutely. I've never been cool like John Travolta or had matching leather jackets with anyone, but I know how Danny felt. If pressure to become sexually active at a young age was prevalent in the '70's, I'm sure it's more so now. High school was already a few years ago for me, and with hormones at their natural peak it seemed like sex was everywhere.
Am I trying to suggest that pop culture was responsible for my lack of purity with my girlfriend? Absolutely not. However, doing what was "cool" felt good, so why not be cool? When it came to fear of intimacy, I did what I had to do to get those chemical highs and tried hard not to get caught. I really had nothing to gain socially by distancing myself.
So why were you necessary? Probably because I met my wife in church, not on the beach. I knew she had a desire to please God, and this was not compatible with sex addiction. Dr. Doug Weiss actually illustrates marriage relationships very well. He makes a triangle with a man and a woman on either side at the bottom, and God at the top. I was more interested in "getting horizontal" with my girlfriend than I was in going vertical. The idea of both of us growing closer to God and, as a result, each other sounded good while we were dating, but it was impossible from inside the fog of sexual addiction.
One thing about you that pisses me off is your tendency to linger longer than the fog I just mentioned. Not only do I have to learn how to be intimate seven years into a relationship, I have to fight the distrust that developed from things that occured within the fog. You made me so afraid to be honest about those actions that it took spiritual intervention to get me to open my mouth. How does my wife know I'm not waiting for the next intervention?
I guess that's where intimacy comes in. In a healthy, intimate relationship, each spouse will be so transparent that the other will be able to see it immediately if something is up. Fear is unheard of in such a relationship. It's been replaced by perfect love,
For some anorexics, it was actually negatively reinforced. In other words, they would bring their heart out to connect and it would be neglected, unheard, unseen or even worse. It would be given more pain when they came out so they legitimately would have fear to try this again.
The following is a thank you and goodbye letter to my fear of intimacy.
When I think of you, I think of Danny from the movie Grease. The opening scene in the film shows a wonderfully intimate summer on the beach with his newfound Aussie friend. He never expects to see her again once school resumes, but suddenly finds himself face to face with her on campus. His initial reaction of surprise and glee is short-lived once he realizes that the rest of the T-Birds are right behind him. It's not cool to be best friends with a chick. It's cool to get in her pants, but not to get in her heart.
Sound familiar? Absolutely. I've never been cool like John Travolta or had matching leather jackets with anyone, but I know how Danny felt. If pressure to become sexually active at a young age was prevalent in the '70's, I'm sure it's more so now. High school was already a few years ago for me, and with hormones at their natural peak it seemed like sex was everywhere.
Am I trying to suggest that pop culture was responsible for my lack of purity with my girlfriend? Absolutely not. However, doing what was "cool" felt good, so why not be cool? When it came to fear of intimacy, I did what I had to do to get those chemical highs and tried hard not to get caught. I really had nothing to gain socially by distancing myself.
So why were you necessary? Probably because I met my wife in church, not on the beach. I knew she had a desire to please God, and this was not compatible with sex addiction. Dr. Doug Weiss actually illustrates marriage relationships very well. He makes a triangle with a man and a woman on either side at the bottom, and God at the top. I was more interested in "getting horizontal" with my girlfriend than I was in going vertical. The idea of both of us growing closer to God and, as a result, each other sounded good while we were dating, but it was impossible from inside the fog of sexual addiction.
One thing about you that pisses me off is your tendency to linger longer than the fog I just mentioned. Not only do I have to learn how to be intimate seven years into a relationship, I have to fight the distrust that developed from things that occured within the fog. You made me so afraid to be honest about those actions that it took spiritual intervention to get me to open my mouth. How does my wife know I'm not waiting for the next intervention?
I guess that's where intimacy comes in. In a healthy, intimate relationship, each spouse will be so transparent that the other will be able to see it immediately if something is up. Fear is unheard of in such a relationship. It's been replaced by perfect love,
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